The ability to manage your emotions and remain calm under pressure has a direct link to your performance. TalentSmart has conducted research with more than a million people, and we\u2019ve found that 90% of top performers are skilled at managing their emotions in times of stress in order to remain calm and in control. One of their greatest gifts is the ability to neutralize toxic people. Top performers have well-honed coping strategies that they employ to keep toxic people at bay.<\/p>\n
To deal with toxic people effectively, you need an approach that enables you, across the board, to control what you can and eliminate what you can\u2019t. The important thing to remember is that you are in control of far more than you realize.<\/p>\n
While I\u2019ve run across numerous effective strategies that successful people employ when dealing with toxic people, what follows are 12 of the best.<\/p>\n
1. They Set Limits (Especially With Complainers)<\/h3>\n
Complainers and negative people are bad news because they wallow in their problems and fail to focus on solutions. They want people to join their pity party so that they can feel better about themselves. People often feel pressure to listen to complainers because they don\u2019t want to be seen as callous or rude, but there\u2019s a fine line between lending a sympathetic ear and getting sucked into a negative emotional spiral.<\/p>\n
You can avoid this only by setting limits and distancing yourself when necessary. Think of it this way: If the complainer were\u00a0smoking<\/a>, would you sit there all afternoon inhaling the second-hand smoke? You\u2019d distance yourself, and you should do the same with complainers. A great way to set limits is to ask complainers how they intend to fix the problem. They will either quiet down or redirect the conversation in a productive direction.<\/p>\n Successful people know how important it is to live to fight another day, especially when your foe is a toxic individual. In conflict, unchecked emotion makes you dig your heels in and fight the kind of battle that can leave you severely damaged. When you read and respond to your emotions, you\u2019re able to choose your battles wisely and stand your ground only when the time is right.<\/p>\n Toxic people drive you crazy because their behavior is so irrational. Make no mistake about it\u2014their behavior truly goes against reason. So why do you allow yourself to respond to them emotionally and get sucked into the mix?<\/p>\n The more irrational and off-base someone is, the easier it should be for you to remove yourself from his or her traps. Quit trying to beat toxic people at their own game. Distance yourself from them emotionally and interact with them as if they were a science project (or you were their shrink, if you prefer the analogy). You don\u2019t need to respond to the emotional chaos, but only to the facts.<\/p>\n Maintaining an emotional distance requires awareness. You can\u2019t stop someone from pushing your buttons if you don\u2019t recognize when it\u2019s happening. Sometimes you\u2019ll find yourself in situations where you\u2019ll need to regroup and choose the best way forward. This is fine and you shouldn\u2019t be afraid to buy yourself some time to do so.<\/p>\n Think of it this way: If a mentally unstable person approaches you on the street and tells you he\u2019s John F. Kennedy, you\u2019re unlikely to set him straight. When you find yourself with a co-worker who is engaged in similarly derailed thinking, sometimes it\u2019s best to just smile and nod. If you\u2019re going to have to straighten him out, it\u2019s better to give yourself some time to plan the best way to go about it.<\/p>\n This is the area where most people tend to sell themselves short. They feel like because they work or live with someone, they have no way to control the chaos. This couldn\u2019t be further from the truth. Once you\u2019ve found your way to rise above a person, you\u2019ll begin to find his or her behavior more predictable and easier to understand. This will equip you to think rationally about when and where you have to put up with toxic people and when you don\u2019t. For example, even if you work with someone closely on a project team, that doesn\u2019t mean that you need to have the same level of one-on-one interaction with this person that you have with other team members.<\/p>\n You can establish a boundary, but you\u2019ll have to do so consciously and proactively. If you let things happen naturally, you are bound to find yourself constantly embroiled in difficult conversations. If you set boundaries and decide when and where you\u2019ll engage a difficult person, you can control much of the chaos. The only trick is to stick to your guns and keep boundaries in place when the person tries to encroach upon them, which will inevitably happen.<\/p>\n When your sense of pleasure and satisfaction are derived from the opinions of other people, you are no longer the master of your own happiness. When emotionally intelligent people feel good about something that they\u2019ve done, they won\u2019t let anyone\u2019s opinions or snide remarks take that away from them.<\/p>\n While it\u2019s impossible to turn off your reactions to what others think of you, you don\u2019t have to compare yourself to others, and you can always take people\u2019s opinions with a grain of salt. That way, no matter what toxic people are thinking or doing, your self-worth comes from within. Regardless of what people think of you at any particular moment, one thing is certain\u2014you\u2019re never as good or as bad as they say you are.<\/p>\n Where you focus your attention determines your emotional state. When you fixate on the problems you\u2019re facing, you create and prolong negative emotions and stress. When you focus on actions to better yourself and your circumstances, you create a sense of personal efficacy that produces positive emotions and reduces stress.<\/p>\n When it comes to toxic people, fixating on how crazy and difficult they are gives them power over you. Quit thinking about how troubling your difficult person is, and focus instead on how you\u2019re going to go about handling him. This makes you more effective by putting you in control, and it will reduce the amount of stress you experience when interacting with him.<\/p>\n Emotionally intelligent people are quick to forgive, but that doesn\u2019t mean they forget.\u00a0Forgiveness\u00a0<\/a>requires letting go of what\u2019s happened so that you can move on. It doesn\u2019t mean you\u2019ll give a wrongdoer another chance. Successful people are unwilling to be bogged down unnecessarily by others\u2019 mistakes, so they let them go quickly and are assertive in protecting themselves from future harm.<\/p>\n Sometimes you absorb the negativity of other people. There\u2019s nothing wrong with feeling bad about how someone is treating you, but your self-talk (the thoughts you have about your feelings) can either intensify the negativity or help you move past it. Negative self-talk is unrealistic, unnecessary, and self-defeating. It sends you into a downward emotional spiral that is difficult to pull out of. You should avoid negative self-talk at all costs.<\/p>\n Drinking caffeine triggers the release of adrenaline. Adrenaline is the source of the fight-or-flight response, a survival mechanism that forces you to stand up and fight or run for the hills when faced with a threat. The fight-or-flight mechanism sidesteps rational thinking in favor of a faster response. This is great when a bear is chasing you, but not so great when you\u2019re surprised in the hallway by an angry co-worker.<\/p>\n I\u2019ve beaten this one to death over the years and can\u2019t say enough about the importance of sleep to increasing your emotional intelligence and managing your\u00a0stress levels<\/a>. When you sleep, your brain literally recharges, shuffling through the day\u2019s memories and storing or discarding them (which causes dreams), so that you wake up alert and clear-headed. Your self-control, attention, and memory are all reduced when you don\u2019t get enough\u2014or the right kind\u2014of sleep. Sleep deprivation raises stress hormone levels on its own, even without a stressor present.<\/p>\n A good night\u2019s sleep makes you more positive, creative, and proactive in your approach to toxic people, giving you the perspective you need to deal effectively with them.<\/p>\n It\u2019s tempting, yet entirely ineffective, to attempt tackling everything by yourself. To deal with toxic people, you need to recognize the weaknesses in your approach to them. This means tapping into your support system to gain perspective on a challenging person. We all have someone at work and\/or outside work who is on our team, rooting for us, and ready to help us make the best of a difficult situation. Identify these individuals in your life and make an effort to seek their insight and assistance when you need it. Something as simple as explaining the situation can lead to a new perspective. Most of the time, other people can see a solution that you can\u2019t, because they are not as emotionally invested in the situation.<\/p>\n Before you get this system to work brilliantly, you\u2019re going to have to pass some tests. Most of the time, you will find yourself tested by touchy interactions with problem people. Thankfully, the plasticity of the brain allows it to mold and change as you practice new behaviors, even when you fail. Implementing these healthy, stress-relieving techniques for dealing with difficult people will train your brain to handle stress more effectively and decrease the likelihood of ill effects.<\/p>\n About The Author:<\/strong><\/p>\n Dr. Travis Bradberry is the award-winning co-author of the No. 1 best-selling book Emotional\u00a0Emotional Intelligence 2.0<\/a>2. They Don\u2019t Die in the Fight<\/h3>\n
3. They Rise Above<\/h3>\n
4. They Stay Aware of Their Emotions<\/h3>\n
5. They Establish Boundaries<\/h3>\n
6. They Won\u2019t Let Anyone Limit Their Joy<\/h3>\n
7. They Don\u2019t Focus on Problems\u2014Only Solutions<\/h3>\n
8. They Don\u2019t Forget<\/h3>\n
9. They Squash Negative Self-talk<\/h3>\n
10. They Limit Their Caffeine Intake<\/h3>\n
11. They Get Some Sleep<\/h3>\n
12. They Use Their Support System<\/h3>\n
Bringing it All Together<\/h3>\n
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